We Press On

Wow! I knew it had been a while since I posted but seeing the February date is a little startling. These last months are not ones I like to remember in many ways, but in other ways they have been joyous months. When I think of all that has happened I feel a little amazed that we're present and mostly thriving.

First things first...a number of folks have asked about the blog and a why I'm not updating about John so I will update you about John. While I'd like to report that this nightmare has finally ended, it has not. I am happy to say that in spite of (or because of - depending on your perspective) 22 weeks of chemo infusions and a hospital stay for neutropenic fever, John is faring pretty well. The last tests indicated his tumor marker had dropped to 6.3 (2-ish would be the best) and there was significant improvement in his PET scan. This is all good news and I think the end of infusions came at a very good time as we were getting pretty weary. John continues with oral Xeloda (chemo) on a week-on/week-off schedule. He is certainly not as miserable as he was with the infusions but it does have side effects. Right now he is having some trouble with hand/foot syndrome where the capillaries leak blood into the extremities. This can be dangerous but the oncologist is making adjustments to his chemo and we hope this helps. He also goes every three weeks for an infusion of Elastin which is an antibody that helps shrink tumors. His major complaint (of which he does little) is neuropathy. He has little feeling in his fingers and hands. He has trouble with small motor skills and feels like he is walking barefoot on gravel all the time. He gets pretty winded but is working on walking to the end of the street and back several times each day. He saves his energy for working a few hours each day (ANYBODY NEED ROOFING/SIDING/WINDOWS/DOORS??); lovin' on me with his kind, appreciative, and encouraging words; and being an encouragement to folks via phone and facebook.

The chemo infusions pretty much ate the entire summer while hopefully eating away at the cancer, and unfortunately also eating away at the healthy parts of his body and life as we had hoped it would be. Still, while the cancer has taken many things, it has not diminished the love we have for one another, our children, and our families. While it has added a level of sorrow, it has also created within us a new dimension of person that we never would have achieved otherwise. Do we want to be these new people? Yes. Would we have liked to have gotten there without this terrific person enduring all that he has? DOUBLE YES!!

Both of our children are now married to wonderful mates and we're so thankful they have made such great choices and that we now have four kids instead of two. I always wanted more kids! So yes, in the last year we have had two weddings and would never have made it through all the preparations without wonderful friends and family. Our best friends, Reeves, noted that between us, we have done five weddings in three years for our two families! Good times.

Because this post is long past pithy, I'll attempt to wind up, try to post more frequently and try to explain why I stopped posting. While I don't understand why God allows some things to happen, I don't doubt that He is in control. I would like to say that I live victoriously each day but in all honesty, most days I barely felt like I was holding myself together. I retreated. I retreated as far as I could and still maintain a semblence of normalcy to folks. I avoided the phone because I couldn't control the phone. I avoided facebook because I couldn't control their chatter and inquiries. I avoided as much social interaction as I possibly could. I couldn't stop crying and sometimes I felt hate and rage for the stuff people asked me or the way they asked. Our home was a haven and I was able to shut myself off enough that I thought I might not go crazy from the noise that cancer created in my head. That even sounds kooky to me. I think I wanted to burrow into our nest so deep, even a mommy bird couldn't find me.

Am I better. Yep. I pray I stay in this better place but mostly I pray for healing for John.

If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
(Matthew 21:22)

“pray about everything” (Philippians 4:6), “pray continually”, (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and “be in constant prayer” (Romans 12:12)

Thanks for reading and caring and mostly thanks for praying.